


When The Spirits Come, When the Battle's Lost and Won

by batyalewbel



Series: Call On Your Ghosts [3]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Character Study, Emotional Support, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-01-04
Packaged: 2018-09-14 16:56:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9194417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/batyalewbel/pseuds/batyalewbel
Summary: Bodhi knows he is not encouraging this boy to run headfirst into his death, but it still makes him ache to watch it happen.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I did indeed mess with the timeline of events in Force Awakens to get Finn a minute or two by himself to have a little chat.

How did he get himself into this mess?

That was the question Finn asked himself over and over as he raced into the darkening snow and trees with Rey beside him. Kylo Ren had murdered Han Solo, murdered his _own_ _father._

Finn was new to the idea of family beyond the theory but something about that screamed _wrong_ inside him. The way shooting those people back on Jakku had.

He had never really questioned before. Never had any unsanctioned thoughts...not _really_...Everybody had thoughts, but nothing that truly went against the First Order. When he aimed his laser rifle at those villagers it was like a new voice woke inside him. It rang out clear as a bell. All it said was, ' _no,'_ _o_ ver and over like a mantra.

Finn understood the word 'no' in the way he understood family. Theory, not practice. People had told him 'no' for years, but he was a Storm Trooper. No, was not _allowed_ in his vocabulary.

Two letters began a battle inside him. It was enough to still his finger on the trigger. It was enough to register the horror of the death before him. It was enough for him to say _enough_ and get out.

But his big rebellion up until this point had been more running away than standing up and fighting. Sure he had moments here or there, but the moment he really started fighting wasn't because he was full of the cause and the need to defend it. It was for people. It felt selfish, knowing that Han died because Finn insisted they come here for Rey. That was more blood on his hands.

And now they were running again...At least they had disabled the shield. For Poe's sake he was thankful for that. Poe was the nicest man he had ever met and he didn't to imagine a world without Poe in it. Not the mention, if the shield hadn't been disabled every pilot would surely die up there. He should have thought of that more when he volunteered himself and Han for this mission knowing that he knew almost _nothing._ What they accomplished was sheer luck and nothing more. Gods, he was _so stupid._

Rey had barely said a word since they had watched Han fall to a shadowy death. Now as they ran through the dark forest Finn realized they were running blind and directionless.

“Rey,” he said as he caught her by the arm and slowed them both to a walk, “I think we're lost.”

Rey slowed beside him and looked around the forest, breathing heavily and with wide eyes that still looked full.

“Yes, I think we are,” she said.

“Let's split up and see if we can find the Falcon. We'll meet back here in 15—” he was cut off when the ground quivered underfoot and they both looked at each other.

“Make that 10,” he said and Rey nodded before taking off in the opposite direction.

Finn started a steady jog, glancing in every direction for signs of the enemy or of the Falcon.

How could he have been so stupid to drag Han here...all the time they wasted before they managed to get the shield down...how many pilots were shot down before the shields were lowered? He was so kriffing _stupid._

 _'I think your ships back that way,'_ a soft voice said from somewhere to his right and Finn nearly tripped over himself getting his blaster out and aimed. He could just barely make out the figure standing a little ways off in the trees. Hands in his pockets, shifting his weight back and forth just a little bit. Finn squinted in the dark to make sure he wasn't seeing things. The man was somehow hardly there. Small in stature and presence. He appeared slightly transparent and blue tinted in the darkening night around them.

Finn took a step forward, still keeping his blaster up, still trying to get a better look at the man. He didn't appear overly concerned about the blaster but he still gave off an air of nervous tension. Up close Finn could see the man had dark eyes, a sharp chin, and long hair that was pulled back roughly, with loose tendrils escaping around his face. Finn took another step closer, and another, curiosity overriding concern. The man seemed almost patiently waiting, despite the nerves he appeared to exhibit. When Finn was close enough, he tried to poke at the man with the barrel of the blaster, but it went straight _through_ him.

Finn jumped back letting out a muted “Woah!” and the man seemed to shrug like a nervous tic.

“What are you?” Finn asked.

“ _A ghost...probably_ ” he said and Finn stared.

“Probably? You don't know?” Finn demanded, incredulously. The man shook his head.

“Why are you here? Things are a little bit...” Finn trailed off and then the ground shivered beneath them as if to prove his point.

“ _I uh...I was hoping_ — _I would like to help_ — _maybe...”_ He spoke like he was constantly interrupting himself or at a loss for the right words. He wrung his hands as he spoke, his eyes darting around, making brief eye contact before skittering away to stare at the ground or the trees.

“How?” Finn asked and he felt cruel for asking it the way the man seemed to shrink still further.

“ _I...I know something about the Empire—Or the Order—whatever they are calling it these days...I know how they take you apart...how they-they mold you like—they make you into something you didn't want to be,”_ The man said in stutters and stumbles. Finn stared for a moment before looking away.

“I never wanted to be anything at all...they took me when I was a kid. I didn't know anything else until I left,” he can't help the sadness in his words as he says them. It's strange because Finn remembers being happy sometime before The First Order removed him from his life. He remembered sunshine and the smile of somebody he thought might his mother. But he remembered happiness after too. Children can adjust to anything, they are plastic that can be molded into any shape given the right circumstances. Finn remembers being happy in the First Order. He remembers the joy when somebody told him he had done a task well, when someone on his squadron observed his efforts in a positive light. It was when he got older that he started to notice the gaps in his life...how little he had to feel joy for. It was hard to feel anything at all when the conditioning sessions became more frequent, but somehow the sensation of sadness, of grief always came back to him.

Meanwhile, the man seemed to light up with a strange, almost manic enthusiasm at his words.

“ _You got out? Yes, of course you did—they—I saw that. I left too! I got out and I joined the Rebellion—Rogue One,”_ he said and Finn hesitated a moment staring at him.

“Are you Bodhi Rook?” he asked and the man seemed to stagger back a step.

“ _You know me? How do—Did they...What did The Empire teach you?”_

They taught him to obey and nothing more, Finn thinks in a part of his mind that he likes to ignore. The part where all the thoughts sound the same and don't feel like his own. He's not worried about losing himself to that part...but remembering...hurts…Like the most nauseating cognitive dissonance. After a moment he finds the words to reply,

“They taught us you were a traitor, people said it was good luck to spit on your memory,” he said softly and he could see the way his words landed on the other man. He staggered back another step and had to take a breath before replying,

“ _Well I guess I didn't...didn't like them much in the end either...”_

Neither of them speak for a moment.

“You died on Scariff with the Rebellion right?” Finn finds himself asking and Bodhi looks at him wide-eyed.

“ _Yes_ _—_ _yes I was there to help them find the plans to the last_ _—_ _another planet killer. We sent the plans and then_ _—”_ he seems to run out of words abruptly and Finn nods.

“The Order...I mean the Empire killed you...” he finished and Bodhi nodded mutely. After a minute he seemed to gather himself.

“ _Th-thats why I came here to—to talk to you.”_ His face lights up again and he takes several steps until he's close enough to Finn that he can reach out and clutch one of Finn's arms with a vaguely warm, spectral hand.

“ _I know you're terrified because the Empire—The Order is terrifying and big and you know how much they can do...”_ he spoke quickly, the words tripping over each other on their way past his lips. Finn could only nod at the accuracy of it.

“ _When the time comes for you—for you to_ act _and your so, so scared you can barely think...do it...do it anyway.”_ Bodhi said and for a moment he actually held Finn's gaze with an intensity that was startling. With that he let go of Finn and took a step back.

“ _I think...I think your friend is waiting for you,_ ” he said and _of course_ , Rey was waiting for him and Bodhi had just pointed him in the right direction for the Falcon.

“Of course...right...The Falcon's that way?” Finn asked pointing where Bodhi had before as an extra confirmation. Bodhi nodded while Finn slung his blaster back over his shoulder. He took a few steps back and then hesitated.

“Did it hurt? When you died?” he asked and Bodhi finally stopped moving for a moment to meet his eyes a second time.

“ _Yes.”_

“Oh...well...” Finn felt ready to swallow his own tongue. He could feel his palms sweating. Bodhi continued like he didn't notice,

“ _I have no regrets_ _—_ _mostly no regrets. I don't regret how I died..._ A _friend of mine used to say The Force was strong with him...I never really got what he meant but the afterlife can be a long one..._ _and I don't regret dying_ _—_ _on Scariff to destroy the Death Star...or to help destroy it._ _”_

Finn didn't know what to say so he simply nodded and Bodhi nodded back. For a moment Finn thought he saw others standing behind the man, one of them made a shooing motion and Bodhi smiled a little. A small sad smile Finn glimpsed for only a moment as he turned and began running back to Rey, mapping out the way to the Falcon in his mind.

He met up with her with a breathless exclamation of, “I know where the Falcon is,” and Rey nodded once, a silent signal for him to lead and thats how they crashed right into Kylo Ren.

The man stood there pale and bleeding but somehow still seething with a terrible, dangerous darkness that still appeared in Finn's worst nightmares. He was paralyzed with fear, but of course, Rey wasn't. She came at him with a cry and Kylo Ren raised a hand and threw her across the forest like she was little more than a doll. Her body hit a tree with an audible crunch and her name tore from his throat like a bandage ripped off a gaping wound.

He raced to where her prone form lay in the snow gasping her name as he lifted her up to cradle her head in his lap.

A lightsaber buzzed behind him.

He could feel the man standing there oozing hate and darkness.

This was the moment.

“ _TRAITOR!_ ” Kylo Ren yelled and the word echoed in his ears and through the forest.

He was a traitor and he was terrified. But, it was time for him to do more than run. It was time for him to act, time for him to _fight._ He still had the lightsaber Maz Kanata had given him and he pulled it out and activated it, letting it bath him in it's blue glow.

Kylo pointed with his crackling red saber.

“That lightsaber, it belongs to me,” he said through gritted teeth.

“Come get it.” Finn said in a challenge that was far braver than he felt. But he had something else fueling him. His friend lying still on the ground, another friend dead, and one whose fate he could only hope for in the sky. This man was _hurting his friends_ and that was enough to fill him with a wild almost courage. Enough to fight blindly and boldly. Enough to die with no regrets.

When he lost his saber, he kept fighting, and it was moments later when he felt the crackling red of Kylo Ren's lightsaber slice fire up through his back. He fell to the ground in an instant, barely conscious. He was aware enough to see a whole bunch of not there people. Bodhi was there with that sad smile. A woman cradled his head against the snow.

 _'No regrets,'_ he heard a familiar voice say somewhere far away.

Another with a strange accent said something like ' _The Force is with you both_ ,' and distantly he thought he could see his friend standing tall, bathed in the blue light of a lightsaber. Then he saw nothing at all.

\----

_Bodhi watches the fight with winces and flinches. Twitchy, in spite of knowing the outcome. Knowing that Finn would buy Rey the time she needs to recover. Knowing that Finn would recover from his injuries._

_He knows he has not encouraged this boy to run headfirst into his death, but it still makes him ache to watch it happen. Suddenly the others are there with him. Chirrut, Baze, Cassian, and Jyn._

“ _I can see why you chose him,” Chirrut says with that same serene smile he's always carried with him._

“ _He fights well,” Cassian says and Jyn steps up beside Bodhi without a word and lets her hand rest on his shoulder. Baze remains a steadying presence behind him._

_In the years since dying, everybody has learned so much about each other. They learned that Jyn had expected to die alone, abandoned by everyone she ever cared about. They learned about the souls Cassian carried with him, casualties and regrets of the work he had done for the Rebellion. They learned why Baze was so quiet and why Chirrut was always so calm. They learned a little something about the Force as well. And they had learned about all the pieces of Bodhi held together by imaginary string and perseverance. They learned how The Empire shattered him first, then Galen broke him the way you have to re-break a bone for it to heal. Finally his time with Saw had been enough to send pieces of him flying in every direction and he barely had time to reassemble himself before Eadhu...before Scariff._

_The others know him well, and somehow they always know when to provide the basic of comfort of being there._

_Watching the boy...Finn...fight so hard to fail and win at once is hard to watch. He winces again as the other man, this pale imitation of Darth Vader who still manages to inflict so much damage, disarms Finn. He feels them all reacting around him as the boy still continues to fight. None of them like this part, this intangible helplessness. They can only talk to those who are able to listen. That's all they can do as the specters they are._

_They can do little more than watch as this...Kylo Ren swings his lightsaber up, through the boy's back. He finds himself drawn forward as the boy crumples to the ground. The boy is still there a little. His eyes glint, half lidded in the dark. Bodhi looks down at the boy with a small smile that's both bitter and not. His next words are for Finn alone and he hopes they're enough._

“ _No regrets,” Bodhi tells him with a nod that tries to be decisive. Jyn kneels beside the boy, moving her hands like she could cradle his head and protect it from the snow. Even though her hands do less than nothing she remains there on the ground with him. One hand beneath his neck and the other resting softly on his forehead._

_It's Chirrut who speaks to the boy, who is fading fast._

“ _The Force is with you_ both _, and you are one with The Force,” he says and Bodhi can only watch with a great weight in his heart as the boy's eyes slide closed._

“ _He did well,” Cassian remarks._

“ _And we know he'll be fine...with time,” Jyn adds looking meaningfully at Bodhi._

_Baze steps forward and takes Jyn's post beside him with a heavy hand on his shoulder._

“ _You know they're right,” he says in that low grumble of his. Bodhi nods at their words, short twitchy movements of his chin. Finn will survive this. Bodhi will remind himself of this a lot in the coming months._

_He knows that in some ways he is a lot like his team...this family they built post-mortem. And in other ways he is nothing like them. He knows Cassian and Jyn visited only because they were needed for a time. It was enough for them to provide what was necessary and then leave again. He knows Chirrut has expressed an interest in the General back on D'Qar, surely that will be a one time visit. Transient as The Force, he thinks, imagining how Chirrut would describe such an encounter._

_But Bodhi is different. In pieces. Permanently unsettled. Never resolved. Even in death where he's found some peace he still finds himself checking in on things, just for his own peace of mind._

_So he knows this won't be just one visit. He will see Finn again. He will visit him and try to guide his nightmares into something gentler during the months he'll spend sleeping while his body heals. He'll check in to see the pilot and the little soon-to-be Jedi girl visiting him and he will feel better knowing Finn has people, like he has people. So Bodhi waits with the boy in the snow and the others wait with him._

_The Jedi girl, Rey finishes the fight. Jyn would say she won but for the boy in the snow… Bodhi can't say the same...The girl comes back to Finn with tears in her eyes._

_As the girl kneels beside him, Jyn relinquishes her hold and steps back. For the moment the Jedi girl can't see them because they aren't here for her. So she cries for her friend in the dark and they wait. Bodhi waits until the wookie shows up with their Falcon to carry the boy away to safety. He watches as they board the ship and the ramp closes behind them._

_He knows this isn't a goodbye. They will talk more and soon even as the ground quivers beneath them._

“ _Are you ready to go?” Jyn is the one who asks as they all watch the Falcon sail into the sky._

“ _Yeah,” Bodhi says and Cassian slings an arm around his shoulders while Chirrut reaches out and wraps a hand around his arm like he is the one who needs guiding. He can hear Baze's heavy steps behind them, slow and steady like a rhythm he can follow. Together they lead him away, as they do so often, leaving this destructing planet behind them._

**Author's Note:**

> Why yes I switched some title's around! This title works much better for Finn's story. Also why yes in my mind Finn is Force Sensitive so they can have a chat! Also Bodhi needs a hug and thank you fic authors for writing him so well to give me inspiration (I highly recommend 'floating, sinking' by shuofthewind it's got some of the best Bodhi stuff I've read so far)  
> And yeah you probably picked that up I have an idea for a Chirrut and Leia conversation...Baze will be there too of course.


End file.
